love without madness is not love.

While packing up, purging and organizing I came across a certain box. It's Kyle's one sacred place to keep all the memorabilia from our early (and current) days as a couple.

I decided to go through it and read through some of the letters I wrote him, the things I drew for him and the little bits and pieces and I became increasingly afraid and embarrassed for my former self. I felt tempted a few times to burn some of the disgustingly romantic and mushy-gushy things, and I wondered why in the hell Kyle had stayed with me when I was so intense that I scared even myself.

circa. 2009 - one of our first 'kissy pictures'

Then I stopped and realized that they were in that box for a reason. Kyle keeps them because he loved that girl. He fell in love with the girl who wrote his name out a million times on notebook pages. The girl who was so over-the-top in love that she was willing to forsake everything to show him that she could be trusted. The girl who wanted to prove to him that relationships don't have to hurt, and they don't have to end. The girl who spent all the money she had every month for a year just to see him for two days. He loved that girl because she was crazy and wild and intense. And it made me sad that I felt I had lost part of who that girl was.

It's not that my love for Kyle has changed so much as it's relaxed. Back then it was a terrible struggle and our young hearts dove into it headlong and reckless. It was leaving at the end of those two days not knowing for sure when we'd see one another again. It was crying with joy on the Greyhound because I could see him there waiting for me when I got back. It was dealing with jealousy and trust issues spending so many long weeks and months apart. It was the only comfort I could find as I struggled through my rough times in high school.

circa 2010 - one of my weekend visits

Now it is so very different. It's getting up every morning and seeing his face. It's being able to hold him whenever I want to. It's picking silly little arguments because being around someone all the time - no matter how much you love them - will eventually get on your nerves. It's less intense because it's our new normal. It's being married and being home base to one another. It's not wondering when we'll get to hold one another again. It's not being afraid to let go because we know it's not the last time.

I think I can now understand a little more the way some marriages decay over time. You get comfortable and relax because let's face it - the intensity will burn you out if that's all your relationship is made of. Any long term relationship is about finding a balance between the wild and intense madness and the comfortable place. Finding that box really opened my eyes up to that, and since then we've both gone through all of the stuff we saved from each other. Reading those old love letters again brought me back to that madly in love fifteen year old. The girl that loved wildly and deeply and gave her whole heart to everything she did. Love without madness is not really love, so I want to keep some of that madness in our life.

circa 2012 - married life at last.