destined to be wanderers.

I put off writing about this initially because I was so very overcome by my own feelings and was having trouble sorting through it all. But now that I've had some time to reflect and rest my tired heart I feel like maybe I can find the words.

I mentioned HERE that we would be moving in with a friend at the beginning of July. We got everything hammered out, filled out forms, packed boxes and arranged help for moving day.

Then I got a message that shattered everything.

She changed her mind. I no longer care why - I'm done asking questions that will never have answers - but it shook me and hurt me. I hate packing, I hate causing turbulence in the relationships of others and I hate that feeling you get when someone rips the rug out from under you. And that is exactly what I've been feeling.

I spent a lot of time being angry. She and I had words and I decided I can no longer invest in a friendship with her - but that was not solely based on her backing out, that was more the straw that broke the camel's back than anything else. I exhausted myself trying to sort through everything I was feeling and when I woke up this morning I felt merely sad. Sad and overwhelmed at our new reality.

The truth is that the city we're living in is way too expensive. In fact, I don't know anyone who lives here that can actually afford to do so without some kind of help. That was why we planned on having a roommate - so we could stay. I love the midwives we have here and Kyle's job is here. It was the perfect solution, but now it's gone.

We're now looking at relocating. My family doesn't want us to move so far away and are offering us all kinds of advice and help but the truth is that if the only way we can stay here is by depending on someone else for financial help, I would rather pick up and move. I'd rather deal with the whole ordeal of scrambling to find a midwife in the late half of my pregnancy, trying to find people to help us move cities, helping Kyle job hunt in a different city and finding an apartment that will rent to first time renters with no credit. Maybe it's because I'm stubborn, but we've never had to ask for help before and I'm not about to start now.

I'm trying to look on the bright side, but I'm having trouble finding it. The city we're looking at has friends, awesome thirft stores, and some really amazing architecture, but I still am just feeling so conflicted and confused in my heart about how I should feel about what happened. I know I have every right to feel the way I do - angry, hurt and lied to - but it's made me question the trust and the faith I put in people. I tried really hard to make that friendship work, but for what? Was I ever close to her heart the way friends are meant to be? In all honesty I'm feeling used and I really hate that I let someone make me feel that way.

I'm also looking for a positive lesson in all this, and I'm sure that -eventually - I will find it. For now I have to look ahead and figure out what's next for our family. But I'll tell you one thing for damn sure - I am not unpacking those boxes!