Wednesday, 12 June 2013

getting to know myself

In life we go through seasons. Of change, of growth, of happiness, of sorrow. We experience moments that shape us and sometimes we don't notice changes in ourselves until long after the moment has passed. That's what I feel like this past year has been for me.

I didn't notice until recently how much I've changed, and how vastly different the person I really was a year ago and the person I thought I was a year ago were.

I was a bit over-confident and a bit cocky. I thought I was strong and could always get what I wanted and hold my own. I didn't think I was a push over, or that I ever did things simply to please people when I didn't agree with those things. I was wrong in a lot of ways.

I don't want to say I have regrets, it's more like I have lessons. I have lessons about Seth's first year. I let a lot of different outside sources influence things I did or things I thought and how I interacted with and raised my son. Neither of us are really the worse for wear, but there's still - only sometimes - this little nagging voice in my head wishing I had known better or done differently. But you can't learn if you don't make mistakes, and if you never learn you never grow. So in a way I'm thankful for that tiny voice because it tells me I learned something. Instead of focusing on what I didn't do or what I would have rather done I'm trying to look forward, and how I can not only use that knowledge for next time but use it to do good and help other people who might be in a similar spot.

I don't want it to seem like - as my first - Seth is a crash test dummy. Every choice I made for him was - at the time - what I believed in my heart of hearts to be what was best. That will be true for every choice I make for him and his siblings, even if I learn a thing or two a long the way that makes those choices different for each of them. I'm only human, after all.

I've heard people sometimes say 'well this time I'll do it right' and that isn't at all how I feel. Every time our little tribe grows I will learn more and as time passes what is right for us will change - it's the nature of things. I don't want to feel guilty because I'm doing things differently this time because I know better, but sometimes I feel a little twist in my gut that makes me feel bad that I didn't know better before. I have a perfectionist complex when it comes to being a mom - sometimes I honestly feel like a failure if I don't have the answers or don't know what to do. It's especially bad learning and growing from my mistakes when I feel like I shouldn't make any. It's ridiculous and it's unhealthy, but it's another thing I'm learning and growing from all the time. It's not something that I'm going to allow to define me as a person or as a mom.

The thing I have to remember is that everything is a lesson, and lessons create growth. Showing my kids how to learn from their mistakes in more valuable to them then displaying perfection. These are the raising revelations.

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