repairing the attachment.

I mentioned previously HERE that we've gone from being pretty seriously mainstream to being fairly 'crunchy.' We just keep getting crunchier as time goes on, but I want to talk about a really big part of that change - our attachment.

The mommy-baby attachment is incredibly vital, but I didn't know (nor did anyone really emphasize it to me) how deeply important it was until Seth was almost a year old. I feel like I lost that year in a way, being a more mainstream parent because I was far too influenced by the other people in my life. I was more disconnected from my sweet Bear cub then and it still hurts me to look back on how things used to be knowing I cannot take that time back.

I have been battling off and on with the guilt of it for a long time, and have been trying so desperately to change things. I tried to change Seth's habits bred from sleep training and I became so consumed with how I thought things should be I lost sight of what the idea behind attachment parenting really is. I was doing just as much harm to our attachment by trying to change things as I was in using more disconnected methods of parenting. Attachment parenting isn't about the things you do or the stuff you use, it is about listening to what your child needs from you and responding accordingly. Letting them lead how you parent them as they need you to. I had so completely convinced myself that I had messed up and caused my little bear to be an independent free spirit because we had a weak or improperly formed attachment, instead of realizing that even before sleep training and allowing myself to be influenced by others, his personality was there. That wasn't something borne from my choices as his mom, but as who he was as his own person. He would rather sit on his own and flip through a story than constantly be playing with me. And that's okay.

Since realizing this I have made leaps and bounds in repairing our attachment as momma and Bear cub. I've always responded to his needs, but I've become much more in tune with him and have paid closer attention to littler things. He loves to be worn, but he wants to be alone and have his own space for sleeping. He is much happier co-bathing, but he still would rather run around with me following (and sometimes he doesn't even care if I do that if the space is new) than be close at my side. That's his personality, and I'm slowly starting to accept the fact that I did not force him into having his personality, he just grew into it on his own. Some of his preferences were caused by some of our past choices, but they're just now a part of that exploding, beautiful personality that I love so much.

I also realized that it was a little more one sided than I thought. When he's upset, he comes to me. When he's tired, he comes to me. When I leave he usually runs after me and tries to follow. He does those things because we have a very healthy attachment. But I was again focusing on other unimportant things and comparing him to other babies - and I really hate it when I do that. I've started to really check myself on that and remember that the more I worry about our relationship, the less I'm participating in it. And like every other relationship in my life it takes being there actively on both sides to make it thrive.

So to all the moms out there that are fretting over screwing things up in some horrible way, know that so long as you're listening to your child and responding in the best way you can - you're doing a most wonderful job.