it all falls into place.

Things have been hectic around our neck of the woods over the past few months, to say the least. From an unreliable friend letting us way down, to a drop in Kyle's working hours - things had been in the wind and unsure and just generally chaotic. We weren't really sure where we were going for a while, and spent a lot of time just trying to plant our feet firmly on the ground.

The winds have changed of late, though. The clouds are blowing clear and the sun is starting to shine on us again. After two years and next to no appreciation followed by some serious mistreatment on behalf of his employers, Kyle left his job. He's found a new job with better pay, better benefits and a better, more predictable schedule. Hearing the happiness and excitement in his voice when he told me the news made my heart soar - he has been so miserable at his job and I'm glad better things are coming for him at this new place.

In addition to this, my mom has moved out of the apartment we've shared for the past year and a half. She's down sizing, and we're taking over her lease. We have our own space, and are currently in the process of making it ours - at least for the time being. You might notice I'm a bit less active here for a while while we get things set up, but I do have some posts scheduled for the first week of August that will be here even if I am not.

I feel really good. I feel positive, I feel blessed, I feel hopeful. I no longer feel this horrible urge to control everything, or sit around wishing things would hurry up or slow down or be different. We still don't know 100% where we're going but I have grown to love that. I don’t need to plan. I don’t need to have it all figured out. We are together and we are not just surviving, but thriving together and growing wild and beautiful. That is more than I could have ever hoped for. I am truly and wonderfully blessed to have such a sweet and glorious soul as my partner in life and love, and to have grown two beautiful little Cubs with him.

Our life is messy, and it is beautiful. 

repairing the attachment.

I mentioned previously HERE that we've gone from being pretty seriously mainstream to being fairly 'crunchy.' We just keep getting crunchier as time goes on, but I want to talk about a really big part of that change - our attachment.

The mommy-baby attachment is incredibly vital, but I didn't know (nor did anyone really emphasize it to me) how deeply important it was until Seth was almost a year old. I feel like I lost that year in a way, being a more mainstream parent because I was far too influenced by the other people in my life. I was more disconnected from my sweet Bear cub then and it still hurts me to look back on how things used to be knowing I cannot take that time back.

I have been battling off and on with the guilt of it for a long time, and have been trying so desperately to change things. I tried to change Seth's habits bred from sleep training and I became so consumed with how I thought things should be I lost sight of what the idea behind attachment parenting really is. I was doing just as much harm to our attachment by trying to change things as I was in using more disconnected methods of parenting. Attachment parenting isn't about the things you do or the stuff you use, it is about listening to what your child needs from you and responding accordingly. Letting them lead how you parent them as they need you to. I had so completely convinced myself that I had messed up and caused my little bear to be an independent free spirit because we had a weak or improperly formed attachment, instead of realizing that even before sleep training and allowing myself to be influenced by others, his personality was there. That wasn't something borne from my choices as his mom, but as who he was as his own person. He would rather sit on his own and flip through a story than constantly be playing with me. And that's okay.

Since realizing this I have made leaps and bounds in repairing our attachment as momma and Bear cub. I've always responded to his needs, but I've become much more in tune with him and have paid closer attention to littler things. He loves to be worn, but he wants to be alone and have his own space for sleeping. He is much happier co-bathing, but he still would rather run around with me following (and sometimes he doesn't even care if I do that if the space is new) than be close at my side. That's his personality, and I'm slowly starting to accept the fact that I did not force him into having his personality, he just grew into it on his own. Some of his preferences were caused by some of our past choices, but they're just now a part of that exploding, beautiful personality that I love so much.

I also realized that it was a little more one sided than I thought. When he's upset, he comes to me. When he's tired, he comes to me. When I leave he usually runs after me and tries to follow. He does those things because we have a very healthy attachment. But I was again focusing on other unimportant things and comparing him to other babies - and I really hate it when I do that. I've started to really check myself on that and remember that the more I worry about our relationship, the less I'm participating in it. And like every other relationship in my life it takes being there actively on both sides to make it thrive.

So to all the moms out there that are fretting over screwing things up in some horrible way, know that so long as you're listening to your child and responding in the best way you can - you're doing a most wonderful job.

before my very eyes.

Our darling little bear is now fourteen months old, and I can hardly believe it. He's growing right on up and it still amazes me to see it.

It used to be big things. Learning to walk, to roll over, to hold his head up, to sit. I used to be able to easily see the jumps in his growth as his footie pajamas were too snug to do up. But now it's little things. It's him eating a whole meal with his fork by himself, or him telling me his drink is 'all done' with the signs I've shown him. It's waking up to discover after all those fruitless tries he can now climb onto the couch with ease. It's hearing sudden bursts of new sounds come from him, and suddenly seeing teeth where there weren't any for a long time.

But still it is going so fast.

I don't wish it away anymore though. There was a time where I wanted nothing more than for him to be my baby forever. To live in a perpetual Peter Pan world where he wouldn't grow up. I don't know what happened, but I just don't feel that way anymore. Instead I feel it with him. The excitement of newness and challenges to take on. The rush of new things untapped and unexplored. The fabulous journey that is growing up.

Though I miss the days where he cuddled me endlessly and was my sweet little ball of squish, I would never ever wish away this adventure for him. I no longer want him to slow down (though I'm in no rush for him to speed up either) but rather I'm learning how to soak it in and enjoy it not only from the perspective of his mommy - teary eyed as he takes his first steps - but from that of someone who was once living it all for the first time. Embracing the moments - both good and bad - with a feeling of contentment because I am here and now, with him. One day, he will no longer be excited at the prospect of colouring or be fascinated by the way the leaves move in the trees. One day he will be grown and these days will be glorious memories for me. I don't want those memories tainted with a bitterness of hoping for something else. I want them filled with lightness and sweetness for the joy that is right now.

tips from a frugal momma - my thrifting tips

I'm a thrifter, and proud of it. Nothing is more thrilling to me than finding awesome deals and unique items in the bins and on the shelves of the local thrift stores. There are just so many benefits to thrifting that I'm often surprised that more people aren't all over it. It saves money and resources while at the same time offering so many unique items you might not be able to find in stores. Cheap vintage mugs, out of season clothing, seriously discounted like-new books - you name it!

I try to thrift most of our stuff. Linens, clothes, housewares, etc. If I can find it at the thrift store, I'd much rather get it there. Obviously it's not always the most convenient way to shop and there are some things that you have to buy new, but I try to thrift whenever I can manage it and here are some of my tips on how to get the most of your thrifting experience.

• Expect to take a long time. If you're a momma, you know that kids don't always enjoy shopping trips that are lengthy. I've brought my little bear on many a thrifting adventure, but he's pretty content to hang in the sling or the stroller as I browse. Even so, it's still nice when I can go out kid-free and really dig around for some treasures. So if you're really hunting for something in particular, make sure you have the time to do so!
• Don't get discouraged. Sometimes there are just slim pickins! Maybe it's a bad stock day, maybe you're searching for something very particular and having no luck, but whatever it is - don't give up. There will always be another day with new items and a new perspective. 
• Keep an open mind. Say you see some fabric that really calls to you, but you think 'when am I going to need these floral placemats?' The simple answer is to weigh the price of them. If you're crafty with a sewing machine, you can always use them in some project you might find later. If they're a fairly reasonable price and you have a scrap bin at home, nab them while you can!
• Keep your perspective. I prefer thrifting alone, because I personally don't think in the mind set of 'oh it's used and should be dirt cheap.' If I find something I love and it's a little pricier than other things, I check the quality of it. I check for fading, for stains, for signs of wear. If I'm satisfied that it's still in great condition, I still consider it a bargain and I bag it. 
• Look out of season. If there's something you really really want for the fall (for example), start looking the second you set your heart on it. I bought moccasins for myself in June, and just put them away until it's cold enough outside to wear them!

I try to keep it simple really. Shopping and finding deals is one thing that I really genuinely enjoy and I try not to bring too much stress into it. Most of my our things are either thrifted or bought second hand and I love each and every thing for a special reason. Thrifting gives the things more meaning and makes everything we surround ourselves with more beautiful, and that's one of the things that makes me so passionate about thrifting as much as we can. Not only is it good for our bank account, but it's good for the environment and good for keeping us sticking to the aspects of minimalism we've adapted. 

In short, thrifting rocks!

lately

Our life lately, in photos.

cars, cars everywhere!

kitty loves

a little visitor.

what happens when you play hard!

light saber battles in the living room.

flower child

yum.

meadow boy.

barefeet in the summer time. 

into the world (of cloth diapers)

After much (much much much) debating and researching and a lot of head spinning. We've decided to dive into the world of cloth diapering.

I bought the very beginning of our stash today, and I am so excited to prep these babies and start using them!!

It's a small beginning, but it is a beginning and I couldn't be more excited about it. There are sure to be posts about this in the future as we find what works best for us and continue building our cloth stash. Tackling the mountain that is cloth diapering two under two is sure to make for some entertaining writing inspiration, as well.

We've decided to do this for a lot of reasons. The obvious savings, the environmental benefits, the cute diapers on the market. But the real and final push came from a persistent diaper rash when wearing a particular brand of diapers, and a sudden surge of super-soaker nights (that end in way too much laundry for even my taste) so we finally decided we'd had enough. We're starting now and will be slowly building our stash so we can hopefully have Seth in cloth full time by the time his little Fox friends arrives.

I am feeling really good about this decision, and I wish we'd done it sooner!

a little hippie-dippie life.

I think it is safe to say that I've become some what of a hippie.

When Seth was born I was more of a 'main stream' type of mom/person. Most of our stuff was new, we used a butt load of Johnson and Johnson, and I often scoffed at some of the crazy things I saw or heard from the crunchier moms. And now, here I am eating up all my words.

I honestly can't tell you what particularly changed my views - it's been a slow process. But I've made a complete 180 on just about everything I believed back when my wild boy was brand new and not-so-wild.

Today I am proud to call myself a hippie. I am happy to have come into my own views and to have found a better way for my family. We are now eating way better (I haven't bought or prepared Hamburger Helper in months), I try to buy whatever produce I can locally, I've been doing a lot more yoga, and I've even put a full-stop on chemical dyes for my hair.

my last attempt at wearing my toddler in the third trimester!

And those are only a few of the changes that have taken place in our life. I've taken it upon myself to cut down on the number of toys and books we have, and I'm pickier about the quality (why does everything have to be a singing piece of plastic?!). I've been slowly removing the chemicals from our home as well. We are a very proud Seventh Generation family - I love their cleaning products - and I've switched out the not-so-good hair and body products from our bathroom. I'm doing 'low poo' with homemade shampoo and an apple cider vinegar conditioner rinse, and my hair has never looked or felt healthier.

In terms of our actual parenting, a lot has changed there too. If I were to put a label on it, we would probably be attachment parents. But I don't like putting a label on things like that, so I prefer to just say I'm an instinctive parent. I go with what my gut and my research says is the best thing for my littles. I listen to them and respond accordingly - it's really that simple.

bare foot momma, bare foot babe.

I am a hippie mom, and I'm proud to be. My family is healthy and happy and thriving because of it, so even if some of the things we do might be a bit radical I know in the depths of my being that they're worth it.

So would you like a wheat grass shot with your thin mints?

a bullet point update of sorts.

I only realized yesterday that I hadn't done a lot of posting here. I've been writing, but I haven't really been talking about the day to day occurrences in our little dwelling. So I'm going to run down some of our recent happenings via bullet points.

• Kyle's been pounding the pavement trying to find a new job with little luck so far. 
• We had a huge rainstorm that caused some pretty serious flooding and black outs - we are all totally fine though, and that night consisted of a pretty awesome bath time by candlelight for the little bear and many rounds of Uno for Kyle and I. 
• I've discovered that at twenty-seven weeks I can no longer wear my toddler, and that makes me so sad. He's not a big fan of the stroller these days, and toddler-wearing was the best.
• Seth's vocabulary is growing, and his ability to communicate non-verbally blows my mind every single day.
• I got into a fight with our family doctor and decided to leave her care, so I'm trying to find a doctor that better suits us. 
• It has been crazy-sweltering hot around here recently, and I cannot wait for fall.
• There's only two and a half months until our little fox comes earth-side!

Now have a photo of my adorable little meadow child.

grocery store anxiety.

Recently grocery shopping has been giving me anxiety. I've been putting a lot of energy behind finding ways to make our lives healthier. My current goals involve

• trying to cut back on dairy, and hopefully eventually cut it out;
• buying less processed foods;
• buying more organic foods;
• cutting back on our meat consumption;
• consuming more whole foods.

It's hard on a really small budget while living car free. Grocery shopping while taking the bus is near impossible, and taking Seth in a cab sans car seat has never sat right with me. It's legal but that doesn't make it safe. 

peaches, spinach, berries and almond milk. 

So we do most of our shopping at Walmart, because it's close and my dad and I have a bi-weekly grocery shopping date so Seth can usually stay home with Kyle while I go with my dad to pick up food. I'm constantly plagued with anxiety over when I'm buying and what I'm bringing home to feed my family. I'm becoming more concerned about what's in our food and while that's good, it also means realizing that truly healthful food is pretty pricey. 

I'm not going to give up though. I'm going to do what I always do: the best I can with what I have. I've been making smoothies for Seth and I to help keep everything well-rounded, and I've introduced him to the wonder that is hummus to give him at least one alternative to meat as far as sources of protein. I feel like I've been doing pretty well all things considered, but it still really bothers me that it's seeming to be a longer and longer journey into healthy eating. 

commitment issues

I think it's time for some true heart honesty. 

The truth is that I really hate this apartment.

There’s almost no natural light, and only three windows. One in each bedroom, and one in the living room. 

We want to move to a different city, but we need time to gather resources for that and sort things out. It’s not something I have the mental capacity for in a short time frame, and I don't want to move in the middle of my pregnancy. There are just too many things to think about.

• searching for a new city to move to
• finding Kyle a job in new city
• finding a family doctor in new city
• finding a place to live
• packing our stuff
• moving our stuff
• finding willing family members to help us move our stuff

I have given myself a headache over buying and renting and what we want to ultimately do, and I still have no idea. I'm still learning to move with life as waves move on the tide. It's challenging, but I'm getting there. When it all comes down to it, I just want a beautiful, fresh space where my little woodland family will thrive. I'd love to be able to start gardening and have our own yard for the boys to romp around in, too. That's where the rent vs buy crisis comes in. It boils down to commitment issues.

I don't know if buying a home is really for us. That's just what you do when you have a family, but is it right for us? Renting can be more expensive, but owning a home is a huge under taking as well. I really think I'd be happy just renting a beautiful home for the rest of our days. Moving is less hassle and though there are less options as far as remodeling and what we can do with the physical space that doesn't matter as much to me in the long run. Oh, and I'm rambling on and on.

I want to commit to staying in this apartment. I want to paint and pour my heart into decorating and make this place a little more ours. But I know deep down in my heart of hearts that I don't want to stay here. It would be so easy to, which makes me want to want to love it here, but the bottom line is I don't. I can't try to make it work because this place will ultimately leave me unhappy. I'm going to have to pull up my socks and get my hands dirty to get what I want, and I'm still working my way up to that point where I'm full able to throw myself into it. In the mean time I'll scout out other towns and make a realistic plan that will help us get there. 

Happiness is never born of laziness. 

my love and my strength.

I don't think I express this enough, but I am truly so thankful for my husband. He is a gentle strength to my heart and there has not yet been a storm he hasn't helped me weather. He is so much - a provider, a father, a husband, and most of all he is my best friend.

In the four and a half years he and I have been together we have done more laughing, crying, scheming and dreaming than I would think possible for such a short amount of time. We've grown together in ways I didn't know were possible, through things I never thought we'd face. It's been a truly beautiful journey and I am thankful for every strange and wonderful twist in the road for it has shown me how truly beautiful this man's soul is.

It gives my heart comfort to know that above all else he is there, he is with me, and he is mine. He is the ever constant anchor when things feel out of control and he has an amazing capability to bring me back down in the simplest of ways. He has a beautiful heart that holds so much love for our boys that I can't help but love him more and more with each passing moment. Every time he makes Seth giggle in a way I just can't quite manage, or when he jumps at any chance to feel the little fox stirring in my belly, my heart swells and I am filled with the knowledge that my boys have a truly wonderful man to call their dad, as I am blessed to call him my husband.

I am his, and he is mine. From this day, until the end of my days.

my favourite: smiles.

'It's my favourite' is kind of a catch phrase of mine. I feel I am always pointing out things that speak to me and say 'that's my favourite!' And though I'm trying hard not to, I will occasionally just look at my wild little bear and say that he is my favourite, or I'll cuddle up to my husband after a long or trying day and tell him he's my favourite. All things near and dear to me earn the title of 'favourite.'

This little quirk has inspired me to start writing about these little every day things that I love, I want to share some of my 'favourites' here.

Smiles.

I love smiles. I love capturing smiles on film and I love making them appear on the faces of people I come into contact with. One of my inner mantras for when I'm having low self-esteem is 'anyone who thinks you're ugly has never seen you smile' because my smile is one of my favourite things about me. And I'm pretty sure my little bear has inherited my 'light up your whole face' kind of smile. It's earnest and sweet and I love it.

From August - Seth is only about three months old here. But this will always be one of my favourite pictures of these two. 

But he also has what I call the 'Solo Smirk' and that's all Kyle. It's one of the things that attracted me to him the most and it still makes my heart swoon. Seeing smiles on the faces of my loves is my favourite.

The Han to my Leia - isn't he dreamy?

dream a little dream.

I've had many ponderings of dreams lately. Rediscovering latent ones, abandoning those that no longer speak to my heart, and recapturing love for the ones that are ever-constant in my mind. It's got me inspired and as I always do, I've been making lists. So very many lists...

There are changes I want to make in our life, and things I want to start chasing. Some will take planning and time and plenty of footwork but I am hopeful and brimming with excitement over these new possibilities and the motivation I've found to begin planning for and pursuing these great things.

I will admit I had recently lost my motivation and drive for all these things. I got wrapped up in negative thoughts and let everything basically fall to the wayside. I'm so happy and proud to have brought myself out of it and pulled myself back up. I'm back in the game, baby. I will do great things.

Very soon I will be sharing some of my plans and dreams here, but for now I will just say that things are exciting, and things have - very slowly - started looking up.

milf of the month - self care and what it means to be a real milf.

Getting my 'milf' on again with JUSTINE from TANTRUMS AND TEAPARTIES today!

Let's talk about what a milf actually is. Not the grossly misogynistic term, but the term that was reinvented when JUSTINE started writing these posts. A milf is not just a mother whose the society standard of aesthetic beauty. A milf is a mom who takes care of herself and has confidence in who she is as a person outside of motherhood as well as her mom-self. A woman who takes care of herself and her kids. In essence, a milf is that mom you see on your worst day. Her hair & make up are done, her outfit is put together, her kids are all adorably dressed and happy as can be. She seems to have it all together - that's what a milf really is.

In my opinion, you can't be a milf if you never practice self care. Yes, it's important to be a good mom to your kids and focus on them but it hurts them if you never take care of yourself. How and when that takes place varies a lot from person to person. Some people need frequent breaks for themselves to keep their sanity while other take fewer, further spaced out 'mommy days'. Whatever works for you is what is best in my not-so-humble opinion. Kyle and I go on date nights from time to time and every once in a while I have a few hours to just be me. Sometimes I go out and Kyle takes on Daddy Day Care, other days he pops Seth in the stroller and they go on an adventure while I get the house to myself for a few hours. It's nice and it's a great way for me to unwind and recharge my Mommy Patience Meter. It helps me be a better mom and a better wife when I have time to take care of myself as an individual - and that's something I know a lot of people not only struggle with, but also forget that it's important.

Self care can happen in small ways too. It can be as simple as I managed to get up early and make an awesome breakfast for everyone, or I did my make up and hair in a new/creative/cute way. It can be as small as 'my outfit looks so awesome' and it just boosts my confidence and my whole demeanor brightens along with it. And I'm pretty bright and shiny to begin with, ha!

Let's be real - being a mom can wear you down and burn you out sometimes. You're not a failure for taking care of yourself. You can't be good to your littles if you can't be good to yourself.