commitment issues

I think it's time for some true heart honesty. 

The truth is that I really hate this apartment.

There’s almost no natural light, and only three windows. One in each bedroom, and one in the living room. 

We want to move to a different city, but we need time to gather resources for that and sort things out. It’s not something I have the mental capacity for in a short time frame, and I don't want to move in the middle of my pregnancy. There are just too many things to think about.

• searching for a new city to move to
• finding Kyle a job in new city
• finding a family doctor in new city
• finding a place to live
• packing our stuff
• moving our stuff
• finding willing family members to help us move our stuff

I have given myself a headache over buying and renting and what we want to ultimately do, and I still have no idea. I'm still learning to move with life as waves move on the tide. It's challenging, but I'm getting there. When it all comes down to it, I just want a beautiful, fresh space where my little woodland family will thrive. I'd love to be able to start gardening and have our own yard for the boys to romp around in, too. That's where the rent vs buy crisis comes in. It boils down to commitment issues.

I don't know if buying a home is really for us. That's just what you do when you have a family, but is it right for us? Renting can be more expensive, but owning a home is a huge under taking as well. I really think I'd be happy just renting a beautiful home for the rest of our days. Moving is less hassle and though there are less options as far as remodeling and what we can do with the physical space that doesn't matter as much to me in the long run. Oh, and I'm rambling on and on.

I want to commit to staying in this apartment. I want to paint and pour my heart into decorating and make this place a little more ours. But I know deep down in my heart of hearts that I don't want to stay here. It would be so easy to, which makes me want to want to love it here, but the bottom line is I don't. I can't try to make it work because this place will ultimately leave me unhappy. I'm going to have to pull up my socks and get my hands dirty to get what I want, and I'm still working my way up to that point where I'm full able to throw myself into it. In the mean time I'll scout out other towns and make a realistic plan that will help us get there. 

Happiness is never born of laziness.