a bursting heart.

Right now my heart is bursting and I can't find the words to speak it. I have so many thoughts, so many feelings and an ever-raging storm of love in my heart. It's a strange kind of beautiful, and I don't feel the need to pick it apart or try and figure it out.

There are a million things I want to express. Not just here, but out loud to those I hold most near and dear to my little heart. I'm trying so hard to get the words right because these feelings are too big to hold in. I'm learning to let myself go and just be. I'm trying my best to give all of myself whenever I can, and I'm filled with such an unearthly happiness. Through all the hardships my little bear boy brings out a light in me that I can't even begin to explain, and as he grows the light grows ever brighter.

I've been going through phases where it just hits me that I'm about to be blessed with another wild little soul. My little fox boy. Thinking about it as I'm typing is making me want to just run out and scream at the top of my lungs with elation. It is a great and wonderful life and I am finally, truly living it - embracing it as it comes at me and letting go of things that don't go 'my way.' It feels good.

I am full of thoughts and feelings and plans and lists and ideas. I feel like I'm going to explode and I have every desire to put on my sneakers and just go outside and run until I can't run anymore. It feels like the only way to express how I'm feeling right now. Instead though, I'm going to quietly sit with my lists and plans and ideas buzzing and humming around in my head with my feet propped up on my fella. I will enjoy this moment and smile because I know the best is yet to come.

lately

Our life lately, in photos.

early morning crazy hair

can we play mommy?

shoes are for squares

treasures

big brother training

getting some writing done while the little bear explores. 

learning

moving on up.

We've spent the last year and a half living with my mom while we tried to figure out what was next for us. And finally I think we've taken the first step towards doing that.

My friend Kaitlin lives in this adorable townhouse, in a complex with a wait-list a mile long. She lives in a four bedroom with her son, her mom and her two sisters. Well, her mom is looking for a house in a neighboring city with her boyfriend and Kaitlin doesn't want to go, but she can't afford to rent the house on her own and she jokingly mentioned all of us being roomies. The jokes turned into serious discussions and bam, we're moving in this summer.

It's a big step for all of us. I know some people will find a married couple with two kids living with the single mom of one far from independent and probably more than a little strange, but I don't see it that way. It's a townhouse with a yard, plenty of space and in an absolutely beautiful place with lots and lots of green space. She is still getting on her feet and can't afford to be 100% on her own yet, and we can't rent a townhouse in that complex any other way - and this cuts what our living expenses would have been in half. IN. HALF.

Her and I had a long talk the other day, and we were able to get any concerns out in the open and we're very much on the same page. It's exciting and it's a fresh space and it's exactly what we've been looking for.

speaking of steps.. HE WALKS.

boy oh boy

I've been so excited to announce this here, so - we're having another little boy! I've always wanted all boys and though I would have loved a daughter just as much, I'm very happy to be having another little boy. My heart is absolutely singing!!

to doula or not to doula?

I am struggling.

I want to turn my passion for art and photography into a career, but at the same time - I really really don't. I don't want my artistic self to become jaded and love it less because it's my job. I have raw (really raw) talent, and I'm still trying to learn the ropes. I'm an amateur in every sense of the word, but I really would like to explore and advance the skills I already have. I'm just not sure I can do that without it leading to a professional place to help justify and compensate for the costs of doing that. Photography is an expensive hobby, and I'm not so sure I want to be a professional photographer as much as I want to remain an amateur so I can really and truly love it because I want to, and not because I feel I have to. 

Being a doula is where my heart is. It is something I know I can do - and do well. It brings me a sense of fulfillment I never thought I would experience outside of motherhood, and I've only attended one birth. It moved me deep down in my soul. 

The money isn't great, but the money never mattered to me in any of it. It's a labour of love, but that's exactly why it's perfect. It's something I would do for free just because it gives me so much happiness to help other women bring their babies into the world. It matters more to me that I do something close to my heart - something that matters to me. 

I still want to pursue photography, but only at a recreational level. I want to focus instead on working towards my doula certification and networking in the community of birth professionals. There are so many different areas I want to explore and new things I want to learn about that will help me on this journey and -hopefully - help me stand out in the crowd as a prospective doula. I have so many ideas, and plans in early stages. 

I can't wait to get it all started. 

my friend's sweet baby boy, the first birth I attended {July '12}

the experience fund

I've noticed a lot of resources include saving for college part of parenting expenses and it puzzles me. I don't ever want my kids to feel like their worth comes from their success in school or where they go in life. I never want them to feel pressure from us to go to college or make good grades. As long as they are kind to others and happy with themselves - I will be satisfied.

However, we've started talking about the expenses involved with schooling. College is a stupid kind of expensive - especially in today's job market where they're looking for higher education. In light of this I know it may be hard or almost impossible for our kids to go on their own without taking on lots of debt, and we've decided to start putting some money away. Just here and there, we're slowly starting to put some money together for what I've dubbed the 'life experience fund.'

When each of our kids turns 18, we'll have a big talk about it and give them access to the money. The only condition is they're not to use it on frivolous spending. However much it is, they can use it to buy a car, go traveling, go to college, take classes in an interest, or keep saving their own money. They can use it on anything that will give them life experiences, whatever suits their fancy and helps them find their passion in life.

I am so in love with this idea. I'm planning on continuously talking about it throughout their lives, so they can put lots of thought into what they want to do with the money. I want them to get the most of of their life, and experience beautiful things, in beautiful places, with beautiful people.

being a mommy - my reflections at one year.

I can't believe only 12 months ago I had just given birth. In retrospect it seems impossible, but here we are. Walking, talking, and mischief-making.

motherhood is hard.

Motherhood is hard - everyone tells you that. Everyone tells you it's the best and most terrifying thing you will do. No one give you specifics on the bad parts, they just say that it's all worth it. And it is, don't get me wrong. But the hard times can get really dark, really fast. No one tells you how much motherhood can make you hate yourself, or how you will have these terrible time where you're sure you've ruined everything. No one talks about how every slip up, every little decision will feel like life or death. Or how the parenting community as a whole is brutal and biased, and often times downright cruel.

Motherhood is hard. From the sleepless nights and the foggy-headed days of having a newborn, to the frustrated tantrums of toddlerhood - every stage brings new challenges and new internal struggles. There will be times when you will fall to your knees and pray that somebody - anybody - will just tell you what the right thing is.
I'll let you in on a little secret though.
There really is no right way to parent. There's no handbook with all the answers. There is no way to be a perfect mother - it is impossible even to try, and trying to might just kill you.

But you can find a way - your way - to be a great mother to your children. You won't always get it right. Some days you'll feel like a failure, or feel like giving up - but those days don't define you. Your mistakes, screw-ups and bad decisions don't define you. What does define you is your drive and your desire to push forward, try again (and perhaps again and again..) to do what is best for your children. It is your drive to continuously grow and change and improve. It's your dedication to your family that defines you.

You will stumble. You will screw up. You will fall. But what matters the most is standing back up, because motherhood is hard, but it is worth it all the same. <3

writing from the heart.

I've been trying to blog for two years. And that whole time I've been doing it wrong. I haven't been writing for myself like I wanted to. I had every intention of starting a blog for me, but it quickly turned from my space into an obligation I felt to post things, and my posts turned into fluff.

I'm resolved to do it right this time. I'm changing and have already changed so much in my year of mothering. I'm going into this with pure, raw intentions. This is my space. My space to brag, grow, stumble and vent. Taking on this great and terrible adventure brings joy to my heart and tears to my eyes, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's time for me to really and truly express myself - all the parts of myself.

It may not always be pretty, but it will always be me.